When is Enough, Enough

She looks at you with young eyes. Young. Untouched. Adorable eyes. Eyes of a child who should not know what she has felt. What she has gone through. She needs you in her life. The same way that any child should need their mother. What do you do? What? You hurt her in ways that you do not even know. Ways in which she can not begin to understand. Damaged moments. Confused thoughts. Irreversible words. You are thirsty, thirstier than most. She does not understand. Can not. She never will. You are damaging. As far away as you live. Always. Damaging her still. I look at her... at her eyes. What is it that I see? What is it that others can see?

A father who has sacrificed so much. So. Much. For so long. He has given so much of himself for her. Doing what is right. Out of love. Out of devotion. Having forgotten his needs. Wants. Desires. Being the parent he needs to be. Being the parent she needs. The devoted mature responsible father. Devoted. Mature. Responsible. Willing to sacrifice so much for her. Desire to bring sunlight into her world.

You are thirsty. You make excuses that drip from your lips like running water, I can only assume to be true that this is what you do. Excuses for yourself. For the life you have fallen into. For where your family has ended up. Excuses. But for what? She longs for you and you long for the thirst that steals from you. From her. It is an illness because you choose for it to be. A decision made too long ago. Only you can change. But she. She longs for a hand to hold hers. A bedtime story. A day in the park. She longs for mother-daughter moments... baked cookies, painted nails, curlers in her hair... she longs for things that you cannot offer her. Your thirst is stale in the air.

When you do. You do take her. Where? Anywhere. Watched. Step. By. Step. You take her there. A part of you cares. As it should. She sees it. Do you think she wonders. Does she have to watch you stumble and slur words? She knows the difference. She has grown older in the shadow of it. Can't you repair? Feel that she longs for you. For although her daddy has been there... for every second. every minute. every day... he has been two parents working himself thin. To have had it all and to have lost it. To have given it up. Did the grass look so green? Now you stand alone in the weeds. When is enough, Enough? Please. Tell me. Please. My heart breaks a little when I see the need in her. Can't you see what I see? You are complicating a young life which does not need to be. Please.